Just Another One of Those Posts

I don't know why I write these posts. Not the reviews or anything, but stuff about my life or why you shouldn't worry about being normal or anything. I guess it's a way of coping, or it's therapeutic, or something like that. If this is your first time stumbling upon this blog, apologies. Like it says above, this is mostly a personal blog with tea reviews thrown in.

Regardless, I'm just writing this is because one of the main reasons I get a bit upset is I see others winning awards or doing very successful. I know that sounds pretty bad, which I guess it is. It's more of me seeing myself as a failure (which I will admit sounds harsher in words than in my head) rather than being envious. It's more of just me realizing that I've wasted a good portion of my life just doing bullshit that doesn't really matter, like spending exorbitant amounts of time playing video games or watching videos, or writing these reviews, or using most of my money on music and toys or things that I don't need.

The fact that I've wasted my life is probably one of the main reasons why I want to go into science research. I just feel like with research, I might be able to help make someone somewhere's life better, and that might just make up for all of the time I've wasted. It's either that or going into education/teaching, but I'm not cut out for that, considering how hard it is for me to communicate in person.

It just breaks my heart though to see people worrying about not getting into a good college or anything because, honestly, they've done much more than I have. They've done things that actually matter, while all I've done is just get good grades– which don't mean jack shit– and be lazy and complacent. Sure, I do well in classes, but I look at all of my friends and they're doing much better than I am in things they like to do, like band, sports, clubs, etc. Hell, I wouldn't even accept myself into most colleges considering how little I've done and how inconsequential the things I have done are in comparison. To add on, I've only realized this year that I should actually do something with my life, but I'm out of time. I can't do something meaningful with myself in the time before college applications– or internship applications, for that matter– have to be sent out.

I know it's defeatist, but oh well. I'll just get back to studying. I hate to quote a video game, but it fits pretty well for how I'm feeling.

"I have not come this far to die now."